New year. New hope.

In 2016, I found myself. In 2017, I struggled with who "my best self" was. There was self doubt and body image issues and my anxiety completely consumed me. I was so afraid of not living up to people's expectations, that I was paralysed. I was constantly worrying about what's happening tomorrow, 2 days from now, next week that I'd miss just enjoying the moment.

Before you blow me off, let me share a little more.

When you wake up in the morning, feeling like P Diddy, I have to give myself a pep talk to get out of the shower some days. Because my shower is safe. It doesn't make my chest tighten. It doesn't make me feel like I'm running a marathon in a pool of pudding. In the shower nothing else matters. 

But unfortunately the hot water eventually turns cold.

What do I want for 2018? To simply enjoy life again. But how do you do that?

When you wake up in the morning and say to yourself, “I am going to enjoy today,” what exactly happens? Your day may start out well - hit up the gym and have some laughs with some great people. But the excitement may dissipate during your drive to work as you start going over your to do list and stress over how you're going to get it all done. 

So instead of choosing a vague phrase as my resolution, I want to find something that can impact my life in unexpected ways. Focus on doing something specific, put action on it and have the people in my life help me complete it. 

For example, help improve my outlook on life by writing 1 thank you note a week for a year. Expand my mind by asking 12 friends for book that changed their life, read one per month, then discuss it with them. Enjoy my time away from work and refill my cup by planning at least 1 fun activity every month. 

Maybe I'll do all of the above? We'll see. For now I know that I need, I deserve, and I want more out of life than what I allowed myself to have in 2017. 

Post Show Re-vamp

This next show is going to be different. Yes, it will be my first time at the Palmer, but that's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is this time I'm giving it my all. I was not 100% headed into the Francois, for many different reasons - and it showed.

I was flat, I was soft, and I was stressed - I was in a place where I didn't feel like myself at all, and that stuff shows when you get on stage. Yes, there were other things that played a part - nerves, food timing, etc. But when I hit that stage I knew my body didn't look as good as it could have - as good as it did just 2 weeks before. And while yes I placed 3rd, it was 3rd out of 5 - I beat an older lady and a girl who seriously couldn't pose. I'm not trying to throw a pity party or looking to be reassured - I'm proud of myself for going through it all. I just didn't enjoy anything about that day...ok that's a lie...I enjoyed my post pre-judging Chipotle. A LOT.

And there were points of growth - my legs and back. So yes it wasn't all negative. But I think that for any competitor, it's hard to get excited about that kind of finish.

But as hard as it was to get through the Francois, it was like a switch just flipped. Because once it was over, I couldn't wait to re-vamp for the Palmer. Being open and honest with my coach was huge. We both knew something went wrong - She could tell I was stressed and she could tell my body had adjusted to the meal plans in a negative way. So we re-evaluated and changed the game plan. My new meal plan has me energized and FULL. Not just a full belly but my muscles are "fuller" too. (It's amazing what a little almond butter can do to a person's life!)

Overall, I just feel better - mind, body, and spirit.

Whatever it was that had me down before the Francois - I'm happy to say it's passed me. Even at work - I'm not just sitting in a negative window all. day. long. Do I wish this could've passed before walking on stage? Of course! But I'm so thankful for all the people who continuously believe in me; my coach, my husband, all my friends and family. For believing in me enough to help pull me out from this hole I found myself sitting in.

Now I'm hungrier than ever to see what I can do at the Palmer. And I'm going at these next 2 weeks with everything I've got!

(mic drop)

Everything and Asparagus

I literally breathe, pee, and sweat asparagus.

This prep - man, it's been rough. I've felt very alone a lot throughout the whole thing. And I know it sounds horrible because I'm surrounded by an awesome support system. But these last like 4 weeks I've just been in a bad state of mind.

Until finally I had to give myself a pep talk. Grow the heck up and get over it - you chose to do this - your life doesn't suck - suck it up and put on a damn smile.

And crazy enough, it worked. Don't get me wrong, I'm still dying for the stage to get here so I can stuff an Oreo in my face and have a celebratory meal - but I'm not unhappy about literally everything.  

I find myself trying to fight for a balance in my life. And I'll be the first to say - it's nearly impossible and completely exhausting. How do you go about balancing work, life, responsibilities, friends and family, AND your goals in the gym? Balance is really the perfect nirvanic state that you think is achievable. But here’s the truth: it’s bullshit. I'm constantly teetering on one side or the other - Never perfectly balanced. That’s not to say that striving for balance (or perfection) isn’t a noble course. But, at some point I have to accept that I’ll never achieve 100% balance and forgive myself for it.

 Remember: energy flows where attention goes.

My attention is on this show. But how do you explain to your boss - "This show is my current priority. I'm going to get my work done but right now, I'm not going to be an over achiever." Or when she's asking you for the third time if everything is ok - "Yes, I'm just trying to figure out how to meet these deadlines. Can we push them out till AFTER June 3rd?" 

It's hard for people to really understand what it's like being a show girl, I get that. So feeling alone is sometimes part of the gig. But this shit is no joke. It takes a lot of time, money, support and, most of all, dedication. It's a fire that has to burn 24 hours a day 7 days a week. We dedicate an insane amount of time to have just 30 seconds onstage showcasing our hard-earned physiques. 30. Seconds. And the minute you let up, the minute you say "just one bite", is the minute you let the flood gates open. And I don't care who you are - it's never just one bite. 

It sounds CRAZY - I know. But I enjoy doing it. It's just sometimes I wish I could do everything, all the time, with the same level of energy.

Ready for the stage - ready for a pancake and an Oreo - ready to not be surrounded in a cloud of asparagus. Only 1 more week!

Prep Brain and a Rant

2 weeks out!!

If you want to know how things are going just go check out my Pinterest page and my pins may give you a clue hahaha. Food porn is in FULL effect. BBQ ribs, cookies, and brownies - OH MY. Don't mind me just over here dreaming about swimming in a pool of peanut butter.

Real talk though, overall I'm in a good state of mind again. Yes I'm exhausted...pretty much all the time. But I'm still eating some killer food (at least for breakfast). And I'm actually growing somewhat fond of the treadmill (pause for reaction...) But the forgetting stuff is killing me - I walk away from my desk and immediately forget what room my meeting is in. Even though I JUST looked for the 3rd time. Or when we go to Menard's and I ask Evan 5 times, "So what are we here for again?" #prepbrain is real people. REAL.

The biggest surprise this go around though has really been my meals - having grains (oats or cream of rice) so often, the amount of food, and there's been so much protein. Maybe I'm just not remembering the meals right (like I said, prep brain). But I know that last year I had the grains maybe twice because they didn't work well with my body (or in truth, with my head). This year I've NOT had them maybe twice...and my body has been responding really well. And I mean - getting carbs is just awesome.

I think getting out of the mindset that "carbs are evil" has definitely helped. I used to feel guilty eating carbs, even on plan. And I think a lot of girls think that, simply because society says "carbs are bad!" And yes, if you eat a family size pot of pasta by yourself in one sitting chances are you're going to feel like shit. But if I learned anything from last year it's trust the process and trust Chas. Always.

But I have to say - being a figure girl has is "bummer" moments. Like when I see the bikini girls on Instagram eating ice cream, fancy peanut butters, donuts, and waffles all during prep. LEGIT WAFFLES. Not my ground oats and egg white waffles (even though I stand by mine). And day of, backstage, as they're shoving Swedish Fish and jelly covered rice cakes into their mouths while I'm nibbling on my dry oats and asparagus... Lucky I don't poke someone's eye out. It's tough to understand how that actually works when I'm over here eating my 4th meal of fish...

That (rant) being said - that is actually what I think is so cool about this process. The nutrition! The workouts are one thing - and I've taken a stab at some myself even. But I'm constantly wondering, "how did Chas figure out what will work or not work with food?" It baffles me. And I know it works because I see first hand the changes that happen.

So when people say, "One bite won't kill you." I know it won't. But chances are my coach will be able to tell I had a bite and then she'll kill me. Trust Chas. Always.

You Have That Face

(H)Angry
Aloof
Addicted

These, all in their own way, reflect what's going on in my life right now. Yes, the struggle is real.

Hangry is in full effect this week. Not just hangry - but fangry (food angry or the other f-word, either really works). This week alone I've helped set up a candy bar at work, sat through a Chick-Fil-A carry in, and watched as my family devoured a donut. Yes I made this choice, yes I'm now playing the victim - I get the irony, but it doesn't make it easier. Having the end goal is what gets me through not caving. 

Truthfully, I'm good from about 5am till about 2pm. Then I just want something to crunch. Because it doesn't matter how crispy you get your fish, it doesn't have the same crunch like a peanut. Yes...I'm constantly day dreaming about peanut butter.

Aloof: not friendly or forthcoming; cool and distant.

Scotty, came up to me last night and said, "You have that face, the show is near." Now let's explain the face - I'd like to call it determined but it's honestly probably more a stay the hell away from me expression. I'm not typically a victim of RBF but in the final weeks of prep, you truly can't help it. You put the headphones in, crank the dirty rap, and get going. And I find myself wanting to lash out for no rational reason. For example: Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I worked out in public without a shirt on - because, I kid you not, my shirt was pissing me off. My clothes in general were pissing me off but being nude would've probably been frowned upon so I kept the rest on.

But aside from the RBF, there's really not a lot going on in my head other than "you can do this, just get through it". It's a constant battle of wanting to yell and wanting to cry mixed with hysterical laughter because you know you're a little insane at this point. But I swear I won't rip your head off if you want to chat, chatting actually takes my mind off the suck so I welcome it. 

My addition is...gum. I hate gum. Seriously, in my normal life I never chew gum. The proof being how swore my jaw muscles are just from 2 days of chewing it. But it's all I have at this point to curb any cravings. So here I am, gum packets everywhere - my car, my desk, my gym bag, my purse. Every. Where. I'm also addicted to my copper pan, best money ever spent and I have Evan on a strict "do not use" policy (not kidding). I crisp anything and everything in that bad boy just to add a little extra dimension to my 4 meals of fish. It's helped me actually look forward to my afternoon orange roughy...never thought I'd see that happen. Ever.

I think that elegantly sums up my mood for the week. On the horizon is a new meal plan, probably absent what little carb I've been clinging to (I'll be over in the corner crying). But we're almost there - I can almost smell my bag of Oreos...

My Expensive Hobby

When people ask why I do figure competitions I have a go to response, "It's just my expensive hobby. Some people shop, some people buy guns. I do figure competitions." Yes, doing a figure show comes at a cost (a hefty cost). But doing a show isn't just a hobby - it can't be. It has to be a deep rooted love.

That's just the easier answer than trying to explain how I enjoy all the different complexities that come with show prep. The months of prep for 10 minutes on stage, the extra workouts to build certain muscles, the drawn out plans of what to eat and when to eat it. That I enjoy pushing my mind and body, seeing how strong I really can be. Because in the end, they're not looking for my long love story - they just want the cliff note version.

And like any good love story, show prep has it's phases...

In the beginning it's all new and exciting - you live for your meal prep and fresh workouts, seeing those immediate changes. Your meal plans are still fun and not completely full of fish yet (I'm currently at 4 meals with fish). Your calories are still up for your workouts don't feel as draining. It's all fresh and new and..."easy". 

Towards the middle it gets mundane and annoying and you might hit a plateau. It's here that you have to rally and remember why you started - remember your goal, focus on the little things. This part is hard, like really hard. I find myself trying to find a "fix it" - a new food that is prep appropriate, a new trick to help the cravings, blah blah blah. Not to say my chocolate "pudding" from Devotion Nutrition didn't help at least a little... Or the Crystal Light "jello" was totally useless... There are little tricks to help curb cravings. But nothing can truly fix the slump you get in except your perception, your attitude. Grit and bare it and you'll get through - I did.

And after you get through all of that, there's just pure joy and contentment as you walk across the stage and present everything you worked hard for. There's no more worry, there's no more meal planning, there's no more wondering how you're going to make it. Plus, immediately after you get off stage you get to shove 5 Oreo's in your mouth...no? Just me? Well, no love story is really complete without at least a little chocolate...

We're almost to 4 weeks out and I already see real improvements from last year. And I'm seeing changes to my body starting up again. Workouts will shift soon and prep brain will start to really hit (more than it already has). But that's all part of this love story. 

My registration is submitted. Hair, makeup, and tanning appointments all set. I'm beyond ready for it to be here but know there's still a road to go before I'm fully ready for that stage. That finish line is in sight!

It's Okay To Not Be Okay

I've been prepping for 2 months now. Which honestly doesn't sound like a long time (8 weeks, that sounds better) but sometimes it feels like ages have passed - Time seems to pass slower when you're counting down to your next meal. And for the most part I've kept it all together. But this week, I'm struggling. Struggling to keep eating only what I'm supposed to. To do the cardio and extra workouts like I'm supposed to. I'm a toddler who doesn't want to eat her broccoli even though it's good for me so I'm sitting at the table crying...over broccoli.

Now I cry over a lot of stuff - but never broccoli.

And I look back to last year - 6 weeks out - and I was in the same spot. Struggling to see progress. Struggling getting back into the gym for more work. Struggling because I'm exhausted and have momentarily lost my excitement about this journey.

Key word: momentarily.

This journey isn't easy, it's not for the weak hearted. It takes a lot to sit around while others eat delicious La Fiesta and cake. It takes a lot to not eat the free food provided at a work function...all...week...long. It takes a lot not to shove spoonfuls of peanut butter into your face because you're home alone and only the dogs will know.

It's hard but it's not impossible.

Now the leg workouts that Chas programs - those are close to impossible. Seriously. You think CrossFit is hard, let her give you a leg workout. The 2nd day soreness is real.

And so it goes - the highs and lows that come with prep. Being able to look back and see that I was here before but also see that I made it through then, I know I can make it through now. If there's one thing I've learned - It's okay to not always be okay. 

So to close, I apologize if you came my way and left wondering where my normal peppy self was - give it a minute, she'll be back. And thank you for continuing to love me through it all.

I'm Back!

It's been a hot minute since I blogged. I finished my show, started focusing on getting married, and figured people didn't care to read my random thoughts. But since starting prep again - yes I'm doing not one but TWO more figure shows this year! - since starting up again, I realized that blogging wasn't for other people, it was for me.

Getting my thoughts out was therapeutic, especially while doing something most people don't understand. 

So here I am, sitting in my hotel room, drinking my protein shake in bed after workout #2, writing to all of you. And yes, you guessed it, I'm travelling again during prep. woo. I will say that this time it's much easier since I'm not in the "no sodium" phase but I'm still restricted and still surrounded by temptation.

And with these events comes the questions - oh the many many questions. This time it's not just the 'why' either but 'teach me how to do it'. I find myself looking into hopeful eyes - eyes that are waiting for me to say the magic word or give them the special key to losing weight or "getting fit". But there is none. And those same hopeful eyes turn sad being told yet again that it's just hard work and knowing your goal and deciding that  reaching the goal is more important than that cookie on the table.

Then there are those eyes that just find what I'm doing to be...well not stupid but...unnecessary? Maybe that's the word. Regardless - those eyes are the hardest ones. And I found myself in these last 2 days trying to defend my choices, which I shouldn't have to do.

And that's when I realized another key to success - don't do it alone. 

I have a crazy awesome support system - friends and family alike. They don't question my choice but think it's awesome I'm trying. I have a husband who will hide the cookies from me regardless of my threats. A coach who never tires of my questions or complaints. Workout buddies who  have become close friends that encourage me every day.

Desire, hard work, and a crazy awesome support squad. That's the "key" to success.

Oh - and take flexing photos to remind yourself you're awesome. So get ready, because I'm jut getting started!

(Only 6 and  half weeks till show #1, wow.)

Monday Minute

This past week I really struggled. Struggled waking up for the early morning WOD that I typically love. Struggled getting food prepped. Struggled staying upbeat in general.

Then I drug my sorry butt to 7am Booty Camp and followed it with another killer workout. I can't lie, I considered modifying every mini WOD. Every rep I thought, 'go ahead cut it down." But then the angel on my shoulder told that voice in my head to shut up - to keep pulling the reps and to keep adding weight. 

Yes, my angel isn't your typical kind, sweet voice. She knows I'm not someone to let up and gives me a kick in the pants.

We all have those voices saying it's ok to cut the weight, it's ok to modify the reps, it's ok to let up. And yes, sometimes that voice is right. [Don't injury yourself trying to be an Olympic lifter] But then other times that voice is nothing more than self doubt; and you have to grit your teeth, suck in air, and rip that WOD a new one.

After Saturday I was sore [bc I had slacked off] - but I was energized. And it reminded me why I love getting up and working out at 5am. Why I love doing the extra programming and lifting heavy stuff. CrossFit allows you to push yourself and opens you up to new potential. It's not a competition against the person on the mat next to you but a competition between you and your will power.

Then you wake up Monday morning and see a weight lifting cardio WOD and reconsider loving the 5am class haha. 

More Food, What?

Evan and I make a great pair - he's practical and I'm emotional, he always has the answer and I'm full of questions... He can lift heavy shit and I can run circles around him.

But the latter of the 3 we wanted to work on because well...I want to lift heavy shit too. 

So last week we started a new workout plan - to build muscle while still working our endurance - and to say it kicked my butt is an under statement. The workouts are like nothing I've ever done before and I did show girl prep... I was exhausted. And sore. And I felt like a slug. I was completely ready to throw in the towel: "This isn't worth it." "I'm not good enough to do this." "I don't care anymore."

I knew I was just feeling sorry for myself, which I do from time to time. Thankfully Evan was excited enough for both of us to work on lifting and drug my sorry butt back to the gym every night and got me through those grueling workouts. 

You know that whole idea that you have to fuel your body? And how that means not only eating the right food but eating ENOUGH of the right food? I was working out [hard] twice a day and eating roughly 1700 calories. What I realized was that I wasn't fueling my body enough and it thought I was starving it. It was slowing down (the exhaustion) and starting to hold onto every calorie it could (the slug) - not ideal. 

So we got a new meal plan and a new outlook on the workouts. I'm eating 2500 calories and while I'm still sore - I feel 10x better. It was seriously just that simple. [Oh the workouts are still grueling...]

There's a lot to learn when it comes to health and fitness. I think that might be what attracts me the most - I never stop learning. From show girl knowledge to weight training knowledge there's more to it then proper form - food plays a HUGE role in how your body reacts to a workout.  

I would've hated myself for quitting. Plus - I'll never say no to more food...or carbs.

What 2500 calories look like:

Immediately following morning workout:
Protein shake using 1 cup unsweetened coconut milk mixed with water

Meal 1: 1 Whole Avocado
4 slices Bacon
3 Whole Eggs

Meal 2: 6oz Ground Hamburger 73/27
1 cup Green Beans
1/8c Sunflower Seeds
1 TBSP Coconut Oil

Meal 3: 6oz Skinless Boneless Chicken breast
1cup Broccoli
1cup White Rice
1 TBSP Coconut Oil
28 Almonds

Meal 4:   Protein shake using 1 cup unsweetened coconut milk mixed with water

Plain and Simple

There are times when it feels like you need 48 hours in a day just to get done all the things you HAVE to do - forget about the things you WANT to do. I sit behind a desk...for 8 hours... Do you realize how much I could get done outside of the office with even 2 of those 8 hours? SO MUCH.

And then there's the house work, cleaning, and laundry. Don't forget the 6 hours of sleep I need to function. So when you tally it all up - I'm left with roughly 5 hours for the things I actually want to. A mere 5 hours. It's exhausting just thinking about it all.

Then I see a something like this:

Ok, ok. I get it. 

So we wake up and go to 5am workouts - not because it's easy but because it's worth it. 

Evan schedules showing after showing so we can get the rentals occupied. 

I food prep so we're prepared for the week - and so Evan doesn't cheat too much. 

And when I throw a tantrum because "I'm too tired and have too much to do and don't have time" Evan figures out how to make it all work.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Evan is full of grand ideas [some more daunting than others]. And recently I've started having some ideas of my own. So we work to stay inspired. And more importantly we continue to support each other so that someday our ideas can be reality. 

And when we have a free day - we make sure to enjoy that time together.

So ok, I'll stop complaining. I'll stop whining. [Or at least cut it down]

Because I Need a #Hashtag

Here we are - almost a month post show. And I just know you all have been chomping at the bit to see what I have been up to, right? Probably not but I'll tell myself this blog is important to people haha.

It's true what they say, give a mouse a piece of cheese and he'll want the whole cow. They say that right? Well in my case, give me an Oreo and I'll want a dozen strawberry donuts. The carbs and sugar have been great for crossfit but not so great for my mid section - or face - or overall feeling in general. The transition hasn't been a super easy one. My smile hasn't changed, my confidence is still there but going from so much structure to having very little tests my will power. Going from hawk eyes to friendly eyes from your watchful coach - from having a strict goal to a more lenient wish. My mindset used to be, "You can't eat that it'll mess up the look on stage" and now it's, "Well my dress will still fit if I eat that." Aka - I have very little will power when left my own devices. 

So here we stand, at the corner of jump back on the wagon or get run over. I'm choosing to get back on and guess what?? I'm yanking Evan and a couple of my bridesmaids on with me! Things are less sucky when you have buddies right? Truth be told, as great of a couple as we are [insert barfing here], we aren't the greatest at holding each other accountable when it comes to food. Evan ate 2 donuts? I can total handle 2 donuts [true story]. Let's not dwell on the fact we don't have the same body types or metabolisms...

So we're calling on the accountability of others on this #journeytotheIles!

The extra the donuts are being frozen for our allowed cheats [once a week]. The extra thermos are being stock piled. And the Kroger ClickList is our new best friend - keeping us [me] from impulse buying as we meander through the aisles. 

I think I'm more excited than him but like always he's smiling and pretending.

What's Next

Getting back into the swing of normal life is definitely going to take some getting used to. Whether it's realizing I'm allowed to take a break from my 2-a-days or getting my body back into only eating 4 meals versus 7, it's all going to take some time making that switch.

The sense of urgency hasn't completely left my system yet and I'm still on a high after this weekend. You would think I won the whole show with how excited I've been! For those that haven't seen my obnoxious posts, I placed 4th in my class. The class was comprised of 9 ladies; newbies, seasoned competitors, and masters. All of which stood at least 4 inches taller than me seeing as how I hit 5'6.25'' of the min 5'6'' height for class C.  And I couldn't tell you anything about being on stage - I don't remember feeling my feet move and my sole thought was eye contact followed by smile (which I would sporadically forget to do). But I do have proof! You can click here to view my pictures and videos!

I can't believe how much I loved it. Actually, that's a lie. When we first started this journey Chastity said I would fall in love - and every week I, little by little, I did. So the show, the show, showed me why I worked so stinking hard and proved all that discipline was worth it. I could not be more proud of how I looked on that stage. It's like nothing I could ever explain to someone, the fire that churns in your belly for months of prep all for 5 minutes in the spot light. But the feeling you're left with - satisfaction, overwhelming adrenaline maybe, it's addicting.

People keep asking, "What was the strangest thing you saw". Well that's tough. Because after getting sprayed tanned naked by a stranger in a room with other naked woman nothing really shocked me...Except the food. I saw girls eating jelly [JELLY] on rice cakes, real JIF peanut butter, cookies, donuts. Some girls even eating gummy worms and skittles before going on stage. Then there's me - with my baggie of fish and asparagus nibbling on my dry oats, which might I add I was super excited about. The weirdest though was probably the girl eating salt, straight salt, from the shaker. Thank goodness my meal plan didn't include that...but the gummy worms I would've taken.

For 4 months I've anticipated this weekend and that stage; now it's over and I'm left wondering what's next? 

Evan had to remind me: take a week off - and the look in his eyes made me remember, I promised some "us" time after everything he's lovingly put up with for last 4 months. And I had to remind myself that I don't have to rush off to run errands over lunch because I can do them after work - what?! After getting to WOD again after what felt like forever, I walked into the house and looked at Evan and said, "I literally don't know what to do with myself right now." He smiled and said, "Make us breakfast." Haha smart ass. But seriously, I felt lost. Before the show I had a schedule - I knew my meals so I pulled out whatever baggie or Tupperware container I needed for breakfast and that was that. Then I'd pull out whatever I needed for the rest of the day and put it on my lunch bag, boom all set. But that changed, there wasn't a meal plan to follow yet so I stared into the abyss that is my fridge trying to decide what is appropriate to make.

I'm slowly adjusting but I know I'll settle into a new routine. 

And the adjusting doesn't end there - I keep repeating the phrase "one bad day doesn't ruin a diet". Because let me be honest, Sunday I bashed on food...hard. Oreos, pretzels, potato chips, pancakes...my mouth is raw from my salt consumption. I woke up the next morning 10lbs heavier than my stage weight and a belly so soft that you'd think the abs I had were just a figment of my imagination. I won't sugar coat it (yes pun intended) all that messed with my head. I'm fully aware my stage bod is not maintainable, even the last few weeks leading up to the show wouldn't be maintainable - but that doesn't make it any easier "going back".

Finding my happy medium is going to pose just as much of a challenge as finding my stage presence. 

The ending question,"Will you do it again?" Yes. But not this year. I have a wedding that I am so excited to plan for in November and a fiance that I've missed spending time with. I'm going to continue being obnoxious with my posts because I think post show is just as important and show prep. But for now - bring on the wedding prep! 

Reflecting on Yesterday

Being in the home stretch it probably comes as no shock that I'm finding myself reflecting on everything that has happened over that last 4 months - what I see in the mirror and otherwise.

I see myself and I can't believe the transformation - I knew the body would change [well I believed the body would change] but it's been so much more than that. My smile is brighter, my back stands a taller, and I find myself wanting to inspire others - and I mean that in the most humble way possible. I want people to know it's ok to struggle. Because I've learned it's ok to struggle and it's ok to let other's know you're struggling. Being honest about the suck is important; being honest but never giving in to it.

If it were easy, everyone would do it.

I have to laugh sometimes, people will start complaining about their "new diet" then realize who they're talking to and what I've been going through. And I've watched my fair share of people go through fad after fad, sometimes doing the same fad over again, and it's the same outcome; a quick 30 day accomplishment then they return to where they started. Hell, I've been one of those people!

A diet won't fix it, a fad won't fix it. It's a lifestyle and I'm living proof that change is possible. 

They say it takes 21 days to make something a habit - I disagree. I say give it 3 months - 90 days. You won't remember 'what was' and will only know 'what is' - what is, is the lifestyle you've created. Even after my burrito baby cheat meal [thank you Chipotle], I'm not gnawing off my arm for more. I enjoyed every morsel of that burrito, it was incredible, but now it's back to business as usual. That's the real reward of this journey.

I honestly can't believe we're finally here, the final days - almost at the finish. But, truthfully, I'm not ready to get off the wagon just yet. Don't get me wrong, this journey has been a love/hate thing but the love overwhelmingly out weighs the hate. Some days have been much easier than others; I've traveled, I've been fangry, I've preserved and surprised myself. How do I go back to life without show prep? I don't; it's just no longer show prep - it's my life. But, let's begin it with a week of indulging maybe? Maybe, HA, definitely.

I still don't know why I did this - but I know I needed this.

Discipline

At a young age I was taught discipline in the form of a hot hand on my butt. Followed by time outs. Groundings. And the list goes on. Yes, I am an only child but my parents tried hard to make sure I had boundaries.

That discipline trickled over to other areas of my life growing up - sports, money mgmt, time mgmt. But it missed one crucial area - food. I have never been disciplined when it comes to food. You know that pasta measuring tool? It has a measure for 1 person, 2 people, family, horse? I'd do the horse portion and finish it in one sitting without thinking twice. Holiday time, "I'm going to take it easy this year..." Half a pie and a dozen cookies later. And don't even get me started on chips and dip. So to counter act my lack of discipline with food, I'd workout.

I'd put in some time so I could maintain feeling like a slug. 

Now let's fast forward to this spark of an idea - "I want to do a figure show." Looking back, I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into. Even more, I never imagined I'd be able to persevere through it all and live the disciplined lifestyle that a figure show requires. Discipline no longer feels like a negative word - but rather a positive way of life. This journey has shown me I have the strength to move passed what I want versus what my body needs. It's shown me food doesn't have to be drenched in cheese and fat to be delicious (though that doesn't mean it'll never happen again...Mexican food, c'mon). And it's shown me that I was simply existing versus striving for better.

My result of 17 weeks, 4 months, of discipline. 

For me - Discipline is portion control, the power to say no, and making that first effort to roll out of bed at 4am. 

Other things I've gained: 

• I'm able to drink black coffee. Seriously, even the "sugar free" stuff tastes too sweet and gross to me now. 
• Motivation to take risks.
• Finding flavor without adding salt. 
• Baking abilities with no added sugars. This one is currently a win Evan gets to enjoy.  
• Confidence to talk to anyone - about anything.
• Not skipping the gym because, "I'm too tired."
• A desire for more.

In truth, I'm less nervous about the show now and more nervous about the after. The after is unknown - and like with this journey I'm not quite sure what I'm getting myself into. I do not, I repeat DO NOT, want to revert back to my old ways or old self. [Even though I feel that is almost impossible, I crave this too much.] But do I want a little food freedom? Goodness yes! I know the transition back to normal life will be difficult; being able to have new food for starters will probably have me feeling like I'm cheating on Chastity. And finding what works will take some ebb and flow again but I know, like with this journey, I can handle it.

LESS THAN 2 WEEKS!  Now to walk around the house every night in my heels. 

Just Keep Swimming

As we move the count down to a mere 3 weeks I'm trying to focus on that dim light at the end of the tunnel. At this point it's mostly a mental game. The struggle of evening auxiliary, continuing a minimally appealing meal plan, and just wanting a giant hot fudge sundae is enough to make anyone want to quit. And trust me, it's crossed my mind. But then I remind myself - just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Which is fitting since my current diet consists of mostly fish, haha. 

Up until these last 2 weeks I was all, "I totally may do this again." Now - oh hell no. Nope. Done done. [but ask me again in 3 weeks, I have a feeling that'll change again]

The trip home was no easier than the trip out. Having a gate next to Subway where the smell makes your mouth water was particularly trying. But just stepping outside the airport and seeing Evan brought a burst of calmness back to my world.

We drove immediately from the airport to the gym, where I watched my dad complete his first Master's Regional workout. Getting a foot back in the gym filled my nearly empty cup back up - watching my dad push himself through burpees, overhead squats, and ring dips filled it over the top. I'm still amazed and in awe at his 34 unbroken overhead squats, he's seriously worked so hard for those.

My body is readjusting back to "normal" life now that I'm home; my stomach hated me after the zillion drink packets I consumed while away and my body just wanted me to sleep. But it was business as usual this weekend - meal prep meal prep meal prep. We spent time outside, got dressed up for some spring photos, and spent time together. That's been super helpful getting through these last weeks - the down time with Evan and my family. My weeks are so busy that I try to soak up every minute of the weekend with them, they're my biggest fans after all.

And having this view for morning cardio wasn't too bad either! Still wishing I could be out there with them - but I know, trust me I know, I couldn't hang. The most recent "milestone" if you will is the energy loss. The closer we get the less energy I have and those 30 minutes on cardio are all I can muster - even with my thermo in the morning. [also incline-able treadmills were made by the devil]

I work every day - every single day - on my posing. And now that there's a lovingly dubbed show girl room, "knock first, we may be flexing", I have a space to practice at the gym too! Still a work in progress but a vast improvement from day one. Next time I'll remember my shoes...

Speaking of shoes - these bad boys will be making every trip with my from now on. After last week, I officially hate working out in tennis shoes.

3 weeks - technically 19 days. NINETEEN. Unreal. Just keeping swimming, just keep swimming... 

What Day Is It?

It's amazing how much longer a day feels when you've sat in meetings all day long. And how tired you feel after a day of sitting and listening to others talk. 

Tuesday was a loooong day. Mid-afternoon snack time included full sized candy bars, ice cream bars, chocolate covered marshmallows, and popcorn. Truth be told I was both disgusted by the fact it was all junk and yet envious because - ice cream. So I decided to forgo the evening cocktails and dinner because avoiding that temptation all day drained my energy and I still needed to get in auxiliary. Another empty gym allowed for proof that I'm still gettin' my swole on! 

Wednesday, oh Wednesday. Jet lag, upset food schedule, working weird hours - it all caught up with me and I just wasn't feel myself. I managed to put one foot in front of the other and participate in the workshops but then dinner was out to a Mexican restaurant. Freaking Mexican! Talk about feeling sorry for myself - I so desperately wanted to dive into those chips and dip or engulf a margarita, but I stayed strong. Largely in part to the texts I received throughout the day wishing me encouragement. The universe knew I was struggling and sent my friends to rally behind me - I love you all! 

I knew I had an awesome support system and after being away for a week I'm even more appreciative of each motivating face I see. 

Tomorrow I get on a jet plane bound for Ohio and I cannot tell you how excited I am! My loved ones, the comfort of my own home, getting back in the gym with my show girls. Here's to the end of an extremely tough week and to looking forward to that light at the end of the tunnel.

 

#inittowinit

Today starts what is sure to be the most trying week thus far in my competition prep. I was given the wonderful opportunity to join my team at our National Service Meeting in Phoenix, AZ so here I am! I googled all about "how to travel during prep, so I knew it was doable. But all day meetings surrounded by free food I can't eat? Talk about being in your own personal hell. 

The travel here was hard: plane rides, layovers, hunger. Traveling used to mean a bag of Twizzlers and a Monster...not this time. And I already started doubting myself. 

I was able to bring my meat as my carry on - fish and chicken. Along with some other essentials that were easily packed in my checked bag. But I had to find a grocery store within walking distance of my hotel to get everything else.

My morning: After 5:30a cardio and a shower I began the mile trek to what was the cutest grocery store ever! Sprout's, think farmers market meets Kroger. Got all my stuff, double bagged it, and began the walk back...aka workout #2 haha. Traps were on fire and I needed another shower.

This is the result of breakfast- this weeks motto has become "make it work". 

Now as I sit by the pool for the only 2 hours I get to myself all week (because white girl needs color) I feel very confident I can do this. Could the sun and heat be making me delusional? Maybe. And I'm sure I'll have explained this journey at least 10 times before the day is done but I didn't come this far to falter. 

Afternoon: After a 6 hour meeting I managed to avoid the cookies and snacks and no one complained about my tuna time. Even mingled at cocktail hour with my bottle of water in hand. 

Traveling during prep isn't for the faint hearted. And I repeated "the strong will always be tested" to myself at least a hundred times. But I can do this, I will do this, I want to do this. 

Finished the day getting in a killer hammie workout. And with an empty gym I just couldn't help myself - happy muscle Monday all! 

Where You Are

If you look at my calendar it's jam packed. We have a wedding in 7 months (and everything leading up to it), a house that's in  need of updates, outdoor projects that are endless - and I sometimes forget to focus on where I am right at this moment. 

Too worried about tomorrow and not today. 

Show prep is and has been the driving force in my life for the last 14 weeks. It's what I've had to plan the rest of my life around - which isn't always easy. So this week it's about focusing where I am, today. And working with what I have, the good and the bad.

The food and mood: This week we cut salt. INSANE. I know. However, not that hard truthfully. It's been the loss of that sweet potato that's got me down. I've started getting food angry for everything I can't eat - aka fangry. Just ask Evan. Yesterday he thought it was a good idea to pull out a granola bar in the 10 minutes I was home to change before auxiliary. BUT I no longer get hangry - let's get real, I'm ALWAYS eating.

The routine: Throughout the journey I've had a fairly stable routine. Cardio - shake/shower - work/all my meals - auxiliary/dinner - bed. Again, I'm always eating. But instead of a shake in the shower, I have a meal to eat after 5am cardio. Egg whites and chicken don't work so well in the shower. So trying to fit a meal in before work in the morning has definitely thrown a curve ball into my morning routine...

The workout: I'm into more cardio and less Crossfit and I knew this would start to change eventually. My energy level has slowly been depleting with the changes to my meal plan and Crossfit was getting increasingly difficult. The problem - I'm into more cardio and less Crossfit...

The posing: I'm still totally terrified with the idea of being on stage, in a skimpy suit, and having to pose in 5in heels. Even after a day of posing practice - I'm a step above terrible. There's a lot to remember with each pose (and remember I'm a perfectionist). But this is my first show, and I've started a good foundation. I just need to learn to work what I have.

For instance - I focused on relaxed hands here and oh...nothing else. 

So that's where I'm at folks. Above all else, I need to enjoy these next 5 weeks. I need to focus on getting sleep, focus on finding my posing swag, and focus on each day of this journey. I mean, if I'm asleep at least I won't have cravings right?

I have to remember why I chose to do this. And remember how it's opened up so much more to me than just a figure show - It's shown me my true strength, brought immeasurable support, and given me a confidence I never knew I could carry. Things I tend to forget to enjoy as I stress about 'tomorrow'.

If I trip, Evan will cheer (he said so). If my body doesn't show every muscle, oh well. If I have Mr. Crab hands, at least that'll be memorable. Focus and enjoy - we're almost there!

Work in Progress

My parents would argue that I'm not a perfectionist - because they watched me all throughout school trying to get by with sub par work. I think I heard the, "If you just applied yourself more" speech at least a hundred times. The problem, my problem if you will, is that I won't give the 110% unless I decide to. I'm as much perfectionist as I am stubborn and if I haven't fully bought into something and someone tries to push me, I will completely resist. Just ask my dad.

It has to be something I want 

So in the beginning, I truly had to decide, is this what I want to do? Because as physically challenging as this whole journey is, I've learned it's mentally and emotionally challenging too. Have a rough day? Can't grab for that bottle of wine. Getting ready to start your period? Sorry, can't drown everything in chocolate.

And ok, I'll say it, maybe this journey isn't for everyone. Some people might only last a week on my strict meal plan before reaching for the gummy bears. Others may be able to tough it out but never do 6 days of cardio because it just doesn't work for them. So after deciding I wanted to do it, I had to decide, how badly do I want it? I'm not perfect - faaar from it. I've over eaten my almonds - licked my finger making cookies for Evan - had a bite of banana. Don't judge me. But I've never touched candy, or cheese, or had a single bite of pizza. And yes the 5am workouts and not getting home from auxiliary till 7 are rough - but those 5am workouts are how Evan and I spend time together. We've made it work because he knows how badly I want this.

Once I've bought in, I'll give it my all. And I've completely bought into this journey - this lifestyle. The pushing, the time and effort, all of it I'm totally on board with. But I have to remind myself every day to not obsess with "perfection". I look at videos and photos of figure girls and I'm so intimidated. "I don't have those shoulders, my posing is horrendous, how do I get my abs to show like that." This is my first show and while I've come a long way, I still have more to go. I know perfection isn't something that will happen tomorrow or even in the next 6 weeks - a lifestyle change doesn't happen overnight.

It takes time. 

Stick with this and I'll get there. I've been at this for a mere 3 months, not only is this my new normal but this truly is becoming my new lifestyle. Rome wasn't built in a day. Who knows, maybe someday I'll live the dream of being paid to workout, drink coffee, and wear Nike... Too much?

The suit is purchased, the hotel is booked, tanning is set. Now it's just continuing the journey. I'm still practicing my posing (literally every time I'm in front of a mirror). A work in progress at it's finest, especially those crazy hands. And I'll be damned but I just can't figure out how to make the belly look nice in a pose. But the ladies and I are heading to Columbus for a class this weekend - we'll be super star show girls in no time!

6 weeks out. 6. Let the good times roll!