Monday Minute

This past week I really struggled. Struggled waking up for the early morning WOD that I typically love. Struggled getting food prepped. Struggled staying upbeat in general.

Then I drug my sorry butt to 7am Booty Camp and followed it with another killer workout. I can't lie, I considered modifying every mini WOD. Every rep I thought, 'go ahead cut it down." But then the angel on my shoulder told that voice in my head to shut up - to keep pulling the reps and to keep adding weight. 

Yes, my angel isn't your typical kind, sweet voice. She knows I'm not someone to let up and gives me a kick in the pants.

We all have those voices saying it's ok to cut the weight, it's ok to modify the reps, it's ok to let up. And yes, sometimes that voice is right. [Don't injury yourself trying to be an Olympic lifter] But then other times that voice is nothing more than self doubt; and you have to grit your teeth, suck in air, and rip that WOD a new one.

After Saturday I was sore [bc I had slacked off] - but I was energized. And it reminded me why I love getting up and working out at 5am. Why I love doing the extra programming and lifting heavy stuff. CrossFit allows you to push yourself and opens you up to new potential. It's not a competition against the person on the mat next to you but a competition between you and your will power.

Then you wake up Monday morning and see a weight lifting cardio WOD and reconsider loving the 5am class haha. 

More Food, What?

Evan and I make a great pair - he's practical and I'm emotional, he always has the answer and I'm full of questions... He can lift heavy shit and I can run circles around him.

But the latter of the 3 we wanted to work on because well...I want to lift heavy shit too. 

So last week we started a new workout plan - to build muscle while still working our endurance - and to say it kicked my butt is an under statement. The workouts are like nothing I've ever done before and I did show girl prep... I was exhausted. And sore. And I felt like a slug. I was completely ready to throw in the towel: "This isn't worth it." "I'm not good enough to do this." "I don't care anymore."

I knew I was just feeling sorry for myself, which I do from time to time. Thankfully Evan was excited enough for both of us to work on lifting and drug my sorry butt back to the gym every night and got me through those grueling workouts. 

You know that whole idea that you have to fuel your body? And how that means not only eating the right food but eating ENOUGH of the right food? I was working out [hard] twice a day and eating roughly 1700 calories. What I realized was that I wasn't fueling my body enough and it thought I was starving it. It was slowing down (the exhaustion) and starting to hold onto every calorie it could (the slug) - not ideal. 

So we got a new meal plan and a new outlook on the workouts. I'm eating 2500 calories and while I'm still sore - I feel 10x better. It was seriously just that simple. [Oh the workouts are still grueling...]

There's a lot to learn when it comes to health and fitness. I think that might be what attracts me the most - I never stop learning. From show girl knowledge to weight training knowledge there's more to it then proper form - food plays a HUGE role in how your body reacts to a workout.  

I would've hated myself for quitting. Plus - I'll never say no to more food...or carbs.

What 2500 calories look like:

Immediately following morning workout:
Protein shake using 1 cup unsweetened coconut milk mixed with water

Meal 1: 1 Whole Avocado
4 slices Bacon
3 Whole Eggs

Meal 2: 6oz Ground Hamburger 73/27
1 cup Green Beans
1/8c Sunflower Seeds
1 TBSP Coconut Oil

Meal 3: 6oz Skinless Boneless Chicken breast
1cup Broccoli
1cup White Rice
1 TBSP Coconut Oil
28 Almonds

Meal 4:   Protein shake using 1 cup unsweetened coconut milk mixed with water

Plain and Simple

There are times when it feels like you need 48 hours in a day just to get done all the things you HAVE to do - forget about the things you WANT to do. I sit behind a desk...for 8 hours... Do you realize how much I could get done outside of the office with even 2 of those 8 hours? SO MUCH.

And then there's the house work, cleaning, and laundry. Don't forget the 6 hours of sleep I need to function. So when you tally it all up - I'm left with roughly 5 hours for the things I actually want to. A mere 5 hours. It's exhausting just thinking about it all.

Then I see a something like this:

Ok, ok. I get it. 

So we wake up and go to 5am workouts - not because it's easy but because it's worth it. 

Evan schedules showing after showing so we can get the rentals occupied. 

I food prep so we're prepared for the week - and so Evan doesn't cheat too much. 

And when I throw a tantrum because "I'm too tired and have too much to do and don't have time" Evan figures out how to make it all work.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Evan is full of grand ideas [some more daunting than others]. And recently I've started having some ideas of my own. So we work to stay inspired. And more importantly we continue to support each other so that someday our ideas can be reality. 

And when we have a free day - we make sure to enjoy that time together.

So ok, I'll stop complaining. I'll stop whining. [Or at least cut it down]

Because I Need a #Hashtag

Here we are - almost a month post show. And I just know you all have been chomping at the bit to see what I have been up to, right? Probably not but I'll tell myself this blog is important to people haha.

It's true what they say, give a mouse a piece of cheese and he'll want the whole cow. They say that right? Well in my case, give me an Oreo and I'll want a dozen strawberry donuts. The carbs and sugar have been great for crossfit but not so great for my mid section - or face - or overall feeling in general. The transition hasn't been a super easy one. My smile hasn't changed, my confidence is still there but going from so much structure to having very little tests my will power. Going from hawk eyes to friendly eyes from your watchful coach - from having a strict goal to a more lenient wish. My mindset used to be, "You can't eat that it'll mess up the look on stage" and now it's, "Well my dress will still fit if I eat that." Aka - I have very little will power when left my own devices. 

So here we stand, at the corner of jump back on the wagon or get run over. I'm choosing to get back on and guess what?? I'm yanking Evan and a couple of my bridesmaids on with me! Things are less sucky when you have buddies right? Truth be told, as great of a couple as we are [insert barfing here], we aren't the greatest at holding each other accountable when it comes to food. Evan ate 2 donuts? I can total handle 2 donuts [true story]. Let's not dwell on the fact we don't have the same body types or metabolisms...

So we're calling on the accountability of others on this #journeytotheIles!

The extra the donuts are being frozen for our allowed cheats [once a week]. The extra thermos are being stock piled. And the Kroger ClickList is our new best friend - keeping us [me] from impulse buying as we meander through the aisles. 

I think I'm more excited than him but like always he's smiling and pretending.

What's Next

Getting back into the swing of normal life is definitely going to take some getting used to. Whether it's realizing I'm allowed to take a break from my 2-a-days or getting my body back into only eating 4 meals versus 7, it's all going to take some time making that switch.

The sense of urgency hasn't completely left my system yet and I'm still on a high after this weekend. You would think I won the whole show with how excited I've been! For those that haven't seen my obnoxious posts, I placed 4th in my class. The class was comprised of 9 ladies; newbies, seasoned competitors, and masters. All of which stood at least 4 inches taller than me seeing as how I hit 5'6.25'' of the min 5'6'' height for class C.  And I couldn't tell you anything about being on stage - I don't remember feeling my feet move and my sole thought was eye contact followed by smile (which I would sporadically forget to do). But I do have proof! You can click here to view my pictures and videos!

I can't believe how much I loved it. Actually, that's a lie. When we first started this journey Chastity said I would fall in love - and every week I, little by little, I did. So the show, the show, showed me why I worked so stinking hard and proved all that discipline was worth it. I could not be more proud of how I looked on that stage. It's like nothing I could ever explain to someone, the fire that churns in your belly for months of prep all for 5 minutes in the spot light. But the feeling you're left with - satisfaction, overwhelming adrenaline maybe, it's addicting.

People keep asking, "What was the strangest thing you saw". Well that's tough. Because after getting sprayed tanned naked by a stranger in a room with other naked woman nothing really shocked me...Except the food. I saw girls eating jelly [JELLY] on rice cakes, real JIF peanut butter, cookies, donuts. Some girls even eating gummy worms and skittles before going on stage. Then there's me - with my baggie of fish and asparagus nibbling on my dry oats, which might I add I was super excited about. The weirdest though was probably the girl eating salt, straight salt, from the shaker. Thank goodness my meal plan didn't include that...but the gummy worms I would've taken.

For 4 months I've anticipated this weekend and that stage; now it's over and I'm left wondering what's next? 

Evan had to remind me: take a week off - and the look in his eyes made me remember, I promised some "us" time after everything he's lovingly put up with for last 4 months. And I had to remind myself that I don't have to rush off to run errands over lunch because I can do them after work - what?! After getting to WOD again after what felt like forever, I walked into the house and looked at Evan and said, "I literally don't know what to do with myself right now." He smiled and said, "Make us breakfast." Haha smart ass. But seriously, I felt lost. Before the show I had a schedule - I knew my meals so I pulled out whatever baggie or Tupperware container I needed for breakfast and that was that. Then I'd pull out whatever I needed for the rest of the day and put it on my lunch bag, boom all set. But that changed, there wasn't a meal plan to follow yet so I stared into the abyss that is my fridge trying to decide what is appropriate to make.

I'm slowly adjusting but I know I'll settle into a new routine. 

And the adjusting doesn't end there - I keep repeating the phrase "one bad day doesn't ruin a diet". Because let me be honest, Sunday I bashed on food...hard. Oreos, pretzels, potato chips, pancakes...my mouth is raw from my salt consumption. I woke up the next morning 10lbs heavier than my stage weight and a belly so soft that you'd think the abs I had were just a figment of my imagination. I won't sugar coat it (yes pun intended) all that messed with my head. I'm fully aware my stage bod is not maintainable, even the last few weeks leading up to the show wouldn't be maintainable - but that doesn't make it any easier "going back".

Finding my happy medium is going to pose just as much of a challenge as finding my stage presence. 

The ending question,"Will you do it again?" Yes. But not this year. I have a wedding that I am so excited to plan for in November and a fiance that I've missed spending time with. I'm going to continue being obnoxious with my posts because I think post show is just as important and show prep. But for now - bring on the wedding prep! 

Reflecting on Yesterday

Being in the home stretch it probably comes as no shock that I'm finding myself reflecting on everything that has happened over that last 4 months - what I see in the mirror and otherwise.

I see myself and I can't believe the transformation - I knew the body would change [well I believed the body would change] but it's been so much more than that. My smile is brighter, my back stands a taller, and I find myself wanting to inspire others - and I mean that in the most humble way possible. I want people to know it's ok to struggle. Because I've learned it's ok to struggle and it's ok to let other's know you're struggling. Being honest about the suck is important; being honest but never giving in to it.

If it were easy, everyone would do it.

I have to laugh sometimes, people will start complaining about their "new diet" then realize who they're talking to and what I've been going through. And I've watched my fair share of people go through fad after fad, sometimes doing the same fad over again, and it's the same outcome; a quick 30 day accomplishment then they return to where they started. Hell, I've been one of those people!

A diet won't fix it, a fad won't fix it. It's a lifestyle and I'm living proof that change is possible. 

They say it takes 21 days to make something a habit - I disagree. I say give it 3 months - 90 days. You won't remember 'what was' and will only know 'what is' - what is, is the lifestyle you've created. Even after my burrito baby cheat meal [thank you Chipotle], I'm not gnawing off my arm for more. I enjoyed every morsel of that burrito, it was incredible, but now it's back to business as usual. That's the real reward of this journey.

I honestly can't believe we're finally here, the final days - almost at the finish. But, truthfully, I'm not ready to get off the wagon just yet. Don't get me wrong, this journey has been a love/hate thing but the love overwhelmingly out weighs the hate. Some days have been much easier than others; I've traveled, I've been fangry, I've preserved and surprised myself. How do I go back to life without show prep? I don't; it's just no longer show prep - it's my life. But, let's begin it with a week of indulging maybe? Maybe, HA, definitely.

I still don't know why I did this - but I know I needed this.

Discipline

At a young age I was taught discipline in the form of a hot hand on my butt. Followed by time outs. Groundings. And the list goes on. Yes, I am an only child but my parents tried hard to make sure I had boundaries.

That discipline trickled over to other areas of my life growing up - sports, money mgmt, time mgmt. But it missed one crucial area - food. I have never been disciplined when it comes to food. You know that pasta measuring tool? It has a measure for 1 person, 2 people, family, horse? I'd do the horse portion and finish it in one sitting without thinking twice. Holiday time, "I'm going to take it easy this year..." Half a pie and a dozen cookies later. And don't even get me started on chips and dip. So to counter act my lack of discipline with food, I'd workout.

I'd put in some time so I could maintain feeling like a slug. 

Now let's fast forward to this spark of an idea - "I want to do a figure show." Looking back, I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into. Even more, I never imagined I'd be able to persevere through it all and live the disciplined lifestyle that a figure show requires. Discipline no longer feels like a negative word - but rather a positive way of life. This journey has shown me I have the strength to move passed what I want versus what my body needs. It's shown me food doesn't have to be drenched in cheese and fat to be delicious (though that doesn't mean it'll never happen again...Mexican food, c'mon). And it's shown me that I was simply existing versus striving for better.

My result of 17 weeks, 4 months, of discipline. 

For me - Discipline is portion control, the power to say no, and making that first effort to roll out of bed at 4am. 

Other things I've gained: 

• I'm able to drink black coffee. Seriously, even the "sugar free" stuff tastes too sweet and gross to me now. 
• Motivation to take risks.
• Finding flavor without adding salt. 
• Baking abilities with no added sugars. This one is currently a win Evan gets to enjoy.  
• Confidence to talk to anyone - about anything.
• Not skipping the gym because, "I'm too tired."
• A desire for more.

In truth, I'm less nervous about the show now and more nervous about the after. The after is unknown - and like with this journey I'm not quite sure what I'm getting myself into. I do not, I repeat DO NOT, want to revert back to my old ways or old self. [Even though I feel that is almost impossible, I crave this too much.] But do I want a little food freedom? Goodness yes! I know the transition back to normal life will be difficult; being able to have new food for starters will probably have me feeling like I'm cheating on Chastity. And finding what works will take some ebb and flow again but I know, like with this journey, I can handle it.

LESS THAN 2 WEEKS!  Now to walk around the house every night in my heels. 

Just Keep Swimming

As we move the count down to a mere 3 weeks I'm trying to focus on that dim light at the end of the tunnel. At this point it's mostly a mental game. The struggle of evening auxiliary, continuing a minimally appealing meal plan, and just wanting a giant hot fudge sundae is enough to make anyone want to quit. And trust me, it's crossed my mind. But then I remind myself - just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Which is fitting since my current diet consists of mostly fish, haha. 

Up until these last 2 weeks I was all, "I totally may do this again." Now - oh hell no. Nope. Done done. [but ask me again in 3 weeks, I have a feeling that'll change again]

The trip home was no easier than the trip out. Having a gate next to Subway where the smell makes your mouth water was particularly trying. But just stepping outside the airport and seeing Evan brought a burst of calmness back to my world.

We drove immediately from the airport to the gym, where I watched my dad complete his first Master's Regional workout. Getting a foot back in the gym filled my nearly empty cup back up - watching my dad push himself through burpees, overhead squats, and ring dips filled it over the top. I'm still amazed and in awe at his 34 unbroken overhead squats, he's seriously worked so hard for those.

My body is readjusting back to "normal" life now that I'm home; my stomach hated me after the zillion drink packets I consumed while away and my body just wanted me to sleep. But it was business as usual this weekend - meal prep meal prep meal prep. We spent time outside, got dressed up for some spring photos, and spent time together. That's been super helpful getting through these last weeks - the down time with Evan and my family. My weeks are so busy that I try to soak up every minute of the weekend with them, they're my biggest fans after all.

And having this view for morning cardio wasn't too bad either! Still wishing I could be out there with them - but I know, trust me I know, I couldn't hang. The most recent "milestone" if you will is the energy loss. The closer we get the less energy I have and those 30 minutes on cardio are all I can muster - even with my thermo in the morning. [also incline-able treadmills were made by the devil]

I work every day - every single day - on my posing. And now that there's a lovingly dubbed show girl room, "knock first, we may be flexing", I have a space to practice at the gym too! Still a work in progress but a vast improvement from day one. Next time I'll remember my shoes...

Speaking of shoes - these bad boys will be making every trip with my from now on. After last week, I officially hate working out in tennis shoes.

3 weeks - technically 19 days. NINETEEN. Unreal. Just keeping swimming, just keep swimming... 

What Day Is It?

It's amazing how much longer a day feels when you've sat in meetings all day long. And how tired you feel after a day of sitting and listening to others talk. 

Tuesday was a loooong day. Mid-afternoon snack time included full sized candy bars, ice cream bars, chocolate covered marshmallows, and popcorn. Truth be told I was both disgusted by the fact it was all junk and yet envious because - ice cream. So I decided to forgo the evening cocktails and dinner because avoiding that temptation all day drained my energy and I still needed to get in auxiliary. Another empty gym allowed for proof that I'm still gettin' my swole on! 

Wednesday, oh Wednesday. Jet lag, upset food schedule, working weird hours - it all caught up with me and I just wasn't feel myself. I managed to put one foot in front of the other and participate in the workshops but then dinner was out to a Mexican restaurant. Freaking Mexican! Talk about feeling sorry for myself - I so desperately wanted to dive into those chips and dip or engulf a margarita, but I stayed strong. Largely in part to the texts I received throughout the day wishing me encouragement. The universe knew I was struggling and sent my friends to rally behind me - I love you all! 

I knew I had an awesome support system and after being away for a week I'm even more appreciative of each motivating face I see. 

Tomorrow I get on a jet plane bound for Ohio and I cannot tell you how excited I am! My loved ones, the comfort of my own home, getting back in the gym with my show girls. Here's to the end of an extremely tough week and to looking forward to that light at the end of the tunnel.

 

#inittowinit

Today starts what is sure to be the most trying week thus far in my competition prep. I was given the wonderful opportunity to join my team at our National Service Meeting in Phoenix, AZ so here I am! I googled all about "how to travel during prep, so I knew it was doable. But all day meetings surrounded by free food I can't eat? Talk about being in your own personal hell. 

The travel here was hard: plane rides, layovers, hunger. Traveling used to mean a bag of Twizzlers and a Monster...not this time. And I already started doubting myself. 

I was able to bring my meat as my carry on - fish and chicken. Along with some other essentials that were easily packed in my checked bag. But I had to find a grocery store within walking distance of my hotel to get everything else.

My morning: After 5:30a cardio and a shower I began the mile trek to what was the cutest grocery store ever! Sprout's, think farmers market meets Kroger. Got all my stuff, double bagged it, and began the walk back...aka workout #2 haha. Traps were on fire and I needed another shower.

This is the result of breakfast- this weeks motto has become "make it work". 

Now as I sit by the pool for the only 2 hours I get to myself all week (because white girl needs color) I feel very confident I can do this. Could the sun and heat be making me delusional? Maybe. And I'm sure I'll have explained this journey at least 10 times before the day is done but I didn't come this far to falter. 

Afternoon: After a 6 hour meeting I managed to avoid the cookies and snacks and no one complained about my tuna time. Even mingled at cocktail hour with my bottle of water in hand. 

Traveling during prep isn't for the faint hearted. And I repeated "the strong will always be tested" to myself at least a hundred times. But I can do this, I will do this, I want to do this. 

Finished the day getting in a killer hammie workout. And with an empty gym I just couldn't help myself - happy muscle Monday all! 

Where You Are

If you look at my calendar it's jam packed. We have a wedding in 7 months (and everything leading up to it), a house that's in  need of updates, outdoor projects that are endless - and I sometimes forget to focus on where I am right at this moment. 

Too worried about tomorrow and not today. 

Show prep is and has been the driving force in my life for the last 14 weeks. It's what I've had to plan the rest of my life around - which isn't always easy. So this week it's about focusing where I am, today. And working with what I have, the good and the bad.

The food and mood: This week we cut salt. INSANE. I know. However, not that hard truthfully. It's been the loss of that sweet potato that's got me down. I've started getting food angry for everything I can't eat - aka fangry. Just ask Evan. Yesterday he thought it was a good idea to pull out a granola bar in the 10 minutes I was home to change before auxiliary. BUT I no longer get hangry - let's get real, I'm ALWAYS eating.

The routine: Throughout the journey I've had a fairly stable routine. Cardio - shake/shower - work/all my meals - auxiliary/dinner - bed. Again, I'm always eating. But instead of a shake in the shower, I have a meal to eat after 5am cardio. Egg whites and chicken don't work so well in the shower. So trying to fit a meal in before work in the morning has definitely thrown a curve ball into my morning routine...

The workout: I'm into more cardio and less Crossfit and I knew this would start to change eventually. My energy level has slowly been depleting with the changes to my meal plan and Crossfit was getting increasingly difficult. The problem - I'm into more cardio and less Crossfit...

The posing: I'm still totally terrified with the idea of being on stage, in a skimpy suit, and having to pose in 5in heels. Even after a day of posing practice - I'm a step above terrible. There's a lot to remember with each pose (and remember I'm a perfectionist). But this is my first show, and I've started a good foundation. I just need to learn to work what I have.

For instance - I focused on relaxed hands here and oh...nothing else. 

So that's where I'm at folks. Above all else, I need to enjoy these next 5 weeks. I need to focus on getting sleep, focus on finding my posing swag, and focus on each day of this journey. I mean, if I'm asleep at least I won't have cravings right?

I have to remember why I chose to do this. And remember how it's opened up so much more to me than just a figure show - It's shown me my true strength, brought immeasurable support, and given me a confidence I never knew I could carry. Things I tend to forget to enjoy as I stress about 'tomorrow'.

If I trip, Evan will cheer (he said so). If my body doesn't show every muscle, oh well. If I have Mr. Crab hands, at least that'll be memorable. Focus and enjoy - we're almost there!

Work in Progress

My parents would argue that I'm not a perfectionist - because they watched me all throughout school trying to get by with sub par work. I think I heard the, "If you just applied yourself more" speech at least a hundred times. The problem, my problem if you will, is that I won't give the 110% unless I decide to. I'm as much perfectionist as I am stubborn and if I haven't fully bought into something and someone tries to push me, I will completely resist. Just ask my dad.

It has to be something I want 

So in the beginning, I truly had to decide, is this what I want to do? Because as physically challenging as this whole journey is, I've learned it's mentally and emotionally challenging too. Have a rough day? Can't grab for that bottle of wine. Getting ready to start your period? Sorry, can't drown everything in chocolate.

And ok, I'll say it, maybe this journey isn't for everyone. Some people might only last a week on my strict meal plan before reaching for the gummy bears. Others may be able to tough it out but never do 6 days of cardio because it just doesn't work for them. So after deciding I wanted to do it, I had to decide, how badly do I want it? I'm not perfect - faaar from it. I've over eaten my almonds - licked my finger making cookies for Evan - had a bite of banana. Don't judge me. But I've never touched candy, or cheese, or had a single bite of pizza. And yes the 5am workouts and not getting home from auxiliary till 7 are rough - but those 5am workouts are how Evan and I spend time together. We've made it work because he knows how badly I want this.

Once I've bought in, I'll give it my all. And I've completely bought into this journey - this lifestyle. The pushing, the time and effort, all of it I'm totally on board with. But I have to remind myself every day to not obsess with "perfection". I look at videos and photos of figure girls and I'm so intimidated. "I don't have those shoulders, my posing is horrendous, how do I get my abs to show like that." This is my first show and while I've come a long way, I still have more to go. I know perfection isn't something that will happen tomorrow or even in the next 6 weeks - a lifestyle change doesn't happen overnight.

It takes time. 

Stick with this and I'll get there. I've been at this for a mere 3 months, not only is this my new normal but this truly is becoming my new lifestyle. Rome wasn't built in a day. Who knows, maybe someday I'll live the dream of being paid to workout, drink coffee, and wear Nike... Too much?

The suit is purchased, the hotel is booked, tanning is set. Now it's just continuing the journey. I'm still practicing my posing (literally every time I'm in front of a mirror). A work in progress at it's finest, especially those crazy hands. And I'll be damned but I just can't figure out how to make the belly look nice in a pose. But the ladies and I are heading to Columbus for a class this weekend - we'll be super star show girls in no time!

6 weeks out. 6. Let the good times roll!

This Is What Memories Are For

7 weeks out - we're almost there!

Everyday I'm a little more nervous than the last. Scheduling my tanning, hair & makeup...buying my suit, walking in those heels. It's all becoming real, it's not just a dream anymore. Let's all just say a little prayer, that I don't trip as I walk across the stage for this dream.

^^5 inches...  

Please be kind and don't judge my posing yet. This is really my first attempt and I have the added difficulty of taking the pictures myself. Eventually, I'll ask Evan for his assistance. Eventually.

I know I've said it before - and I'll say it again - I never expected this show to give me all that it has. All the memories I'll take with me. Today I had a coworker say, "You're obviously not going to continue the 5am workouts after this." No, I am. And I'll continue going in an doing an extra workout 2 days a week too probably. (Insert disgusted face) "But...Why?" Because I love it and it makes me...better.

When all is said and done, as I'm shoving a cookie into my mouth, I know I won't remember the horrible cravings or mood swings. The crawling up the stairs after leg day or rolling back down them to get to the gym for fasted cardio.

I'm going to remember Sunday morning training with the girls - and just sitting down after to talk.

Chas putting time limits on my rest between sets because I'm talking too much; but always still there to joke around with me.

The car rides home after 5am with Evan - where I'm still running on the thermo and he's lovingly listening to me ramble on and on.

Diane joining me - because friends don't let friends auxiliary alone.

The first time I saw an ab, an actual ab, in the mirror. (yes this one is conceited, sue me)

The new friendships I found.

Sharing the laughs, the fears, the jokes.

That stuff - that's the good stuff. That's what memories are for.

Adjusting to life post show, post dream, will be interesting. My entire life has gotten "better" because of this process. I have no desire to revert to the old me - so I plan to keep on keeping on. And continue being this version of myself. Besides, I already know my next dream - it comes with a big white dress and a handsome man at the end of an Iles. (see what I did there?)

Meal Plan 7

Immediately following cardio

Protein Shake - 1 Scoop with L-Glutamine

AM Workout  THEN

Meal 1: 4oz Flank Steak

4 Egg whites

2oz Yam

Meal 2: 3oz Tuna (rinse and drain)

1 cup Green Beans

Meal 3: 3oz Tuna (rinse/drain)

10 Asparagus spears (at least 4inches long)

1 TBSP Coconut Oil

Meal 4: 6oz Chicken Breast

11 Almonds

Meal 5: Protein Drink - 1 scoop 

Meal 6: 6oz Orange Roughi

10 Asparagus spears

Get plenty of sleep!! ha. haha. ha. 

Sometimes There Are No Words

Sometimes, I just don't know what to talk about. Now just because this isn't a meaningful post doesn't mean it's been a meaningless week - each week I learn a little about myself. This week it's mustering up the courage for this suit I'm expected to buy and wear. But I've racked my brain all day trying to decide what I want to blog about and I have no words I wish to type.

This process is second nature to me now - it is my way of life. I buy food, I prep food - Evan has started staying out in the living room anymore because he knows I have my "process". I auxiliary 3 nights a week and cardio/workout 5, my life revolved around the gym. I drink my protein with my morning coffee followed by water all. day. long.

I'll never be comfortable posting body update pictures - but as it says below "celebrate yourself" 

Every day I struggle. Every single day. And most of the time my amazing support system gets me through. Then there are those times where I need something more. So instead of posting my words I thought I'd post the words that I look to as a reminder to myself to keep going and to stay the course. Bring on week 8! 

When Something Clicks

Being successful can mean many different things to many different people. Having a healthy happy family, having all the things money can buy, simply getting married, or being able to fit into those size 6 pants . Whatever it is, we each have our list. And when it comes to Crossfit, the lists are even more diverse.

For some it's gymnastic movements, others it's oly lifting. Some still it's completing a WOD as prescribed or being able to do a push up. They're the things we want to be able to do someday. And when you get serious about it - you work the movement, you study others doing it, then one day - it clicks. And there was that perfect form on a snatch, those 2 more inches to get your chin over the bar, or learning how that kipping movement works for a bar up.

For the last 3 months I've eaten my plans, I've done extra work, and I've (tried) to take care of my body. As I've progressed through the weeks, I've noticed workouts getting "easier" (not that anything in Crossfit is easy haha) and I was beginning to be able to lift more weight. But lately - something's clicked. I'm able to do things that were never even on my list because I never even thought I'd get there.

My lifestyle has started clicking with Crossfit.

I wish I had something profound to say about that but alas it comes down to the simple truth that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm doing what my body has needed me to do. You can't eat a Big Mac with a diet Coke and still expect to lose weight. You can't only put in an hour a couple times a week at the gym and expect to see more rounds in the WOD. 

And that, my friends, is where I was living. 

Maybe not with the Big Mac (gross), but I expected more than what my body could give. I wanted so many things but wasn't willing to put in the effort to get them. So I became satisfied with being "decent". 

Decent. 

It sounds so mundane to me now. Nothing about life should be decent. You should never settle for a decent anything. 

I'm marrying a man - an extraordinary man - who has all of these ambitious plans and ideas and goals on his list for us. But I never bought into them, I'd just roll my eyes and say "ya, ok". We live a safe life, we live a sustainable life, we live a decent life. But now? I find myself imagining about that list. Can we do that? What if we took that risk? I'm finding myself thinking that some of these ideas might just be possible. 

This process has completely changed me. 

We have 9 more weeks till the show (9, single digits, oh em gee!). And I've still got a ways to go - in this journey and with Crossfit. But I'm going to eat up every second that I can - and pretend it's covered in chocolate. 

Ok maybe my rambling ended up somewhere near "profound".

Meal Plan #6

Meal 1: 2 whole eggs

2 egg whites

3 oz Flank steak

1/4c Frozen spinach (Here we go, round 2)

Meal 2: 6oz Ground Turkey

Green peppers or onions

4oz Yam (FREAKING YAMS!!!)

Meal 3: 6oz Orange Roughie

8 Asparagus spears

Mid Afternoon Snack: 6oz Orange Roughie

Meal 4: 4oz Flank steak

2oz Chicken breast

Over a bed of spinach

1/2 of a red pepper

4 rings of banana pepper

11 Pecans

Standards Aren't Made To Be Broken

[This blog started as my outlet, so here's my food for thought for those who may read this without me posting it up on social media] 

Today I did something I haven't done before, I performed an Open WOD a second time.

Every week I go into the Open workout with one thing in mind, go all out because I don't want to have to do this again. This week, however, was different. Five minutes into the 7 minute workout my coach comes over and says, "What you're doing is a no rep." It was like a Mac truck just slammed into me and I starting thinking back trying to remember how many did I do that shouldn't have counted? Crap. Should I still be working on the first set of 3?

I heard TIME called and I didn't even care what my score was. I knew immediately that I would be doing it again.

I spent 10 years of my life being a gymnast. My body is programmed to have straight legs and pointed toes. My body also knows movements like kips and handstands, which until now worked in my favor. But like with anything in life, there are standards in Crossfit. And it is my coaches and my judges responsibility to tell me when I'm not meeting those standards. And for that I say thank you and also dang it! Because what I was doing was too much gymnastics and not enough Crossfit. So I practiced, got some incredible advice from wonderful people, and prepared for round 2.

It wasn't about the reps, I'm not going to Regionals. It was the simple fact that I wanted to know I earned every rep the way it was intended. If that meant 10 or 20 reps shorter than Friday, I'd swallow that pill. Buuut that being said, when I stepped up to the bar Sunday morning, every bit of me wanted to at least match Friday's score.

One after another I singled my way through. Hearing cues from my coaches. Having a great judge reminding me it's one at a time and to take a beat between. And when I heard time and looked at Evan's face, I knew I'd done it. Then he smiled and said you just haaad to beat me huh?

I did 1 rep better than Friday.

I'm banged up, ripped up, and my bar ups still need work. But when I submit my score I'll have the peace of mind knowing I earned it. And that is all I needed.

Blueberry Breakfast Cake

That's right, CAKE! I made this last night and sent it to work with Evan so it wasn't tempting me in the house. I've been informed it is the perfect mid-morning pick me up and is even better after sitting in the fridge.

You could sub out the blueberries for another fruit. Or even better, remove completely and add cinnamon instead!

Ingredients
For Cake:
3/4 cup coconut flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
dash of salt
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
1/4 cup maple syrup (can sub for honey or agave)
1/4 cup coconut oil
1 tsp vanilla extract
3 large eggs, whisked lightly
1/2 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk
1/4-1/2 cup blueberries

For Frosting:
4-6 T palm shortening, softened (15 seconds top in the microwave)
2 Tbsp honey or sweetener of choice
1/2 tsp almond extract
1 scoop vanilla protein powder (We love Pure Selection)
1/2 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk





Instructions
Preheat the oven to 350. Grease an 8 x 8 baking dish with cooking spray and set aside.
In a large mixing bowl, combine the dry ingredients and mix well.
In a small bowl, whisk the milk, vanilla extract and egg - pour into the dry mixture.
Add the melted coconut oil, maple syrup, and applesauce and mix very well until a batter is formed. Divide the batter in half.
In one half, fold through the blueberries.
Pour the blueberry filled batter to evenly cover the baking tray or loaf pan. Top with the other half of the batter.
Bake for 25-30 minutes, or until golden brown on top and a toothpick comes on clean.
 - It will feel spongy still but will hold it's shape
Remove from oven and allow to cool completely.

Soften the palm shortening in the microwave and add in honey, almond extract.
Mix the protein powder with the milk, then add to the shortening.
Wait until cake is completely cool before frosting (I let the cake sit in the fridge overnight).



**Note: It's best kept in the refrigerator before serving, allowing frosting to harden.

Enjoy!

I Want to Look Like Ah-nold

This weekend I was able to go check out the Arnold Sports Festival in Columbus and let me tell you, so cool! Watching fellow Crossfitters throw down some awesomeness in competition, walking around all the different vendors, and just seeing all the bodies of people much further along than me but going through the same prep. It was eye opening and oh so cool. Even saw a couple suits I liked! Which also freaked me out because those bottoms - oh my goodness. 

(Thinking emerald green, obvi)

When I started this journey I looked at a lot of photos. Photos of people in the process, photos of suits, photos of the type of girls I may compete against. And while that's all fine and dandy, seeing a girl and being like "so I may look like her after all this". It takes a lot - A LOT - to get there. A lot of will power, time, dedication. And recently I started struggling with all the things I can't have in order to get there.

I just need something zero calorie, zero carb, zero sugar, packed with protein and that tastes like a chocolate chip cookie. That's a thing right? Its out there, I just haven't found it yet? No. It doesn't exist. But that's just it, it's not that I can never ever again have a cookie, or mac-n-cheese, or pizza - I just can't have it for the next 10 weeks.

The world isn't over.

And after walking around the Arnold and seeing girls (the ones who still look like girls) who are competitors, who are what I want to be - it gave me a refresh. So instead of looking at it as what I can't have, I needed to change my mind set. 

"I get to have this in 10 weeks"

Because at the end of the day I want to walk across the stage knowing I did all I could. I don't want to have any regrets, especially over food. 

I'm a very visual person and have put a post it or two around the kitchen very similar to the photo on the right. So, I've started a list, a visual picture list to hang on the fridge next to the girls I want to look like. I know some of you may this I'm crazy, and truthfully I probably am. But this way I can easily remind myself, "I get to have this in 10 weeks, but first I get to look like this." 

Obviously I have a long way to go before I look like Ah-nold...maybe I just need different lighting. Or a better filter? 

My Temple

DISCLAIMER: This is a long one - sorry but not sorry.

Typically on Sunday's I start thinking about what I want to write about in the upcoming post. And as usual, Sunday before church in the shower (where I do all my great thinking) I started thinking about all the changes I've gone through with my body. And because God's timing is always perfect, Noah's sermon at church was about your choice with your body - your temple. How God is interested in your body just as much as he's interested in your soul.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

"19 Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, 20 for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body."

So it was decided, I'd talk about my temple and the choices I've made.

I've had my share of "seasons", some good some not so good. And the outcome of all of that was a really poor self image because I wasn't taking care of this gift I was given. Now I know some of you may think, me? The laughing sarcastic jokester? Underneath that joke and smile was a girl who never liked what she saw in the mirror. Seriously, rarely ever.

Season 1: Growing up I was raised on meat, potatoes - no worries I ate my veggies too. But red meat and a heaping pile of mashed potatoes and you can count on the "Ross butt" forming. Still, I was a gymnast, I was in good shape for a growing girl even into my teenage years.

Season 2: I quit gymnastics and picked up other sports. Some years went by but I was still growing. Then I get to HS - and I could go out and get whatever fast food my heart desired (and it desired A LOT). Now I "maintained" because I played sports year round, but I was bigger - I had bigger thighs, wider hips, and was more muscular than most girls. And you better believe they never let me forget that I didn't fit into the size 2 jeans of Abercrombie. Girls are cruel. 

Season 3: Leaving for college. I knew my parents were terrified of me gaining the "freshman 15" which in reality is more like the freshman 30 anymore. And like any freshman girl, I wanted boys to like me. So I became obsessed with that not coming true. I'd skip class to workout or skip a meal in prep for the weekend's "liquid diet" which was always followed by fast food bashing. I managed to lose 20-25 lbs, which may not seem like a lot over 6 months but I wasn't doing it the right way - I wasn't healthy.

Season 4: I'm an adult. Living on my own watching what I eat. And by that I mean watching it as it entered my mouth. I knew eating that mac-n-cheese wasn't good for me - but it's hard to remember you are eating to live not living to eat when you love food like I do. And I can't tell you the number of times I've cried out of frustration after trying on clothes. This body is my temple and it was slowly crumbling.

Season 5: I started Crossfit. The journey Crossfit has taken my on is an incredible one - a season I hope to continue for years to come. I've never felt more alive than after a 5am WOD, lying completely out of breath on the mat dripping in sweat and my coach walks over for a fist bump. It. Is. Awesome. 

Faith - Food - Fitness - Focus - Friends

Without Crossfit, the friends I've made, the lifestyle changes I've been taught - I never would've even considered a figure show. And now I couldn't imagine not being on this path. I've renovated my temple - added some new pillars, changed the drapes, updated the tile. I look in the mirror and I'm no longer ashamed of this gift I've been given. I'm no longer upset when a pair of pants wont fit because my thigh is too big - dude I worked hard for that muscle and I am damn proud of it. 

My love for food will never go away - I've just learned eating to live is so much sweeter than that piece of cake. Here's to week 9!

Meal Plan # 5

Meal 1: 5oz Chicken Breast

1 TBSP Coconut Oil

Meal 2: 6oz Orange Roughie

1 cup Green Beans

Meal 3: 5oz Chicken Breast

4oz Broccoli

12 Almonds

Mid Afternoon Snack: 7oz Orange Roughie

Meal 3: 6oz Chicken Breast

8 Asparagus

1 Tbsp Coconut oil

The Struggle is Real

I don't think I've ever had 2 pictures more purely depict the the truth of show prep...

The struggle is real  | But the results are worth it

And I needed this, oh how I needed this. This week I've been riding the struggle bus - I've hit my meal plan max of 10 days, 3 straight days of 2 workouts a day, changing up my routine to accommodate for the Open...

You name it and I'll use it as an excuse for my crappy attitude. 

But then I see these photos. And see the result of 8 weeks of hard shoulder work. And you know what, I have to stop and remember that I made this choice and remember why I made this choice.

Most days I'm up at 4am and I don't sit down to relax until 7:30pm. Some nights I forget about the steak that's been sitting in the oven for over an hour and pull out $18 worth of charred jerky. And 95% of the time I laugh and overcome it - 95% of the time that positive attitude you see me post every week is the God's honest truth. But there's that 5%, that 5% that keeps me accountable. And I need to show you that side too. 

It's not always rainbows and butterflies, sometimes it's sore legs and dark circles under your eyes - and that's ok. 

What's not ok is giving up or giving in. You have to be able to pull yourself up by your bra straps crank the music in your headphones and finish that set of heavy squeeze presses. You have to be able turn around and walk away from the homemade chocolate covered peanuts in the break room. That's what makes it ok, pat yourself on the back for doing it. You will make it through that 5% of crappiness - just keep fighting and stick to the plan. 

And when I sit down to relax at 7:30 I can smile and say,"You made it through today, good job."

Muscle Crush Monday

We all have them at the gym - our woman crushes. But in the world of Crossfit, they're more than just a crush.

They're your aspiration - motivation - the people you look up to. 

Some crushes are for certain muscles; traps, quads, booty. Others are for abilities; muscle ups, lifting, their dedication. For me and my list, it includes the likes of Abby, Miko, Alicia, Chastity...(I'd continue but my list goes on and on and I can't spend all day at work writing this post haha) These are woman I watch with pure awe and appreciation and they motivate me every day. 

They work for it, they sweat for it.

When I watch Abby (in a totally not creepy way) in her Oly corner, by herself working, and she hits a PR - lifting more than her own body weight. What isn't incredible about that? And you think to yourself, "Someday I want to be able to lift like her". Or when you're near the end of a 20min death of a WOD and hear Chas say - "One more full round, you got this" and you're like hell ya I can do it. I might vomit every where but I can do it. 

I'm growing addicted to this process. The meal prep, the extra work outs, doing the shaky leg all the way home after leg days. I love it all. I love how it's making me feel and how I'm proving to myself that this is attainable. I didn't want to do a figure show to "get skinny" or to flaunt myself. God only knows how awkward (but so grateful) I get when people notice the changes I'm going through. But to maybe, possibly, become some other woman's motivation - her woman crush. A girl can dream right?

If I can do it, you can do it. I promise.

And don't worry guys, I haven't forgotten about you. My man crush for life may be Evan - but battling Terry at 5am to see who can get more rounds and reps always makes for a great challenge. He pushes me to my limits, which I am so grateful for. Or when I come in for my second workout, tired from a full days work and getting up at 4am; Jerry comes over to chat and always ends it with "you're doing great" and boom I'm revamped. 

I wouldn't be here without my motivators - whether you know you're one or not. Thank you all!

(My next muscle group to attack - those calves!)
We're 12 weeks out - and apparently now the real fun begins! Or at least that's what I'm told.