Post Show Re-vamp

This next show is going to be different. Yes, it will be my first time at the Palmer, but that's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is this time I'm giving it my all. I was not 100% headed into the Francois, for many different reasons - and it showed.

I was flat, I was soft, and I was stressed - I was in a place where I didn't feel like myself at all, and that stuff shows when you get on stage. Yes, there were other things that played a part - nerves, food timing, etc. But when I hit that stage I knew my body didn't look as good as it could have - as good as it did just 2 weeks before. And while yes I placed 3rd, it was 3rd out of 5 - I beat an older lady and a girl who seriously couldn't pose. I'm not trying to throw a pity party or looking to be reassured - I'm proud of myself for going through it all. I just didn't enjoy anything about that day...ok that's a lie...I enjoyed my post pre-judging Chipotle. A LOT.

And there were points of growth - my legs and back. So yes it wasn't all negative. But I think that for any competitor, it's hard to get excited about that kind of finish.

But as hard as it was to get through the Francois, it was like a switch just flipped. Because once it was over, I couldn't wait to re-vamp for the Palmer. Being open and honest with my coach was huge. We both knew something went wrong - She could tell I was stressed and she could tell my body had adjusted to the meal plans in a negative way. So we re-evaluated and changed the game plan. My new meal plan has me energized and FULL. Not just a full belly but my muscles are "fuller" too. (It's amazing what a little almond butter can do to a person's life!)

Overall, I just feel better - mind, body, and spirit.

Whatever it was that had me down before the Francois - I'm happy to say it's passed me. Even at work - I'm not just sitting in a negative window all. day. long. Do I wish this could've passed before walking on stage? Of course! But I'm so thankful for all the people who continuously believe in me; my coach, my husband, all my friends and family. For believing in me enough to help pull me out from this hole I found myself sitting in.

Now I'm hungrier than ever to see what I can do at the Palmer. And I'm going at these next 2 weeks with everything I've got!

(mic drop)

Everything and Asparagus

I literally breathe, pee, and sweat asparagus.

This prep - man, it's been rough. I've felt very alone a lot throughout the whole thing. And I know it sounds horrible because I'm surrounded by an awesome support system. But these last like 4 weeks I've just been in a bad state of mind.

Until finally I had to give myself a pep talk. Grow the heck up and get over it - you chose to do this - your life doesn't suck - suck it up and put on a damn smile.

And crazy enough, it worked. Don't get me wrong, I'm still dying for the stage to get here so I can stuff an Oreo in my face and have a celebratory meal - but I'm not unhappy about literally everything.  

I find myself trying to fight for a balance in my life. And I'll be the first to say - it's nearly impossible and completely exhausting. How do you go about balancing work, life, responsibilities, friends and family, AND your goals in the gym? Balance is really the perfect nirvanic state that you think is achievable. But here’s the truth: it’s bullshit. I'm constantly teetering on one side or the other - Never perfectly balanced. That’s not to say that striving for balance (or perfection) isn’t a noble course. But, at some point I have to accept that I’ll never achieve 100% balance and forgive myself for it.

 Remember: energy flows where attention goes.

My attention is on this show. But how do you explain to your boss - "This show is my current priority. I'm going to get my work done but right now, I'm not going to be an over achiever." Or when she's asking you for the third time if everything is ok - "Yes, I'm just trying to figure out how to meet these deadlines. Can we push them out till AFTER June 3rd?" 

It's hard for people to really understand what it's like being a show girl, I get that. So feeling alone is sometimes part of the gig. But this shit is no joke. It takes a lot of time, money, support and, most of all, dedication. It's a fire that has to burn 24 hours a day 7 days a week. We dedicate an insane amount of time to have just 30 seconds onstage showcasing our hard-earned physiques. 30. Seconds. And the minute you let up, the minute you say "just one bite", is the minute you let the flood gates open. And I don't care who you are - it's never just one bite. 

It sounds CRAZY - I know. But I enjoy doing it. It's just sometimes I wish I could do everything, all the time, with the same level of energy.

Ready for the stage - ready for a pancake and an Oreo - ready to not be surrounded in a cloud of asparagus. Only 1 more week!

Prep Brain and a Rant

2 weeks out!!

If you want to know how things are going just go check out my Pinterest page and my pins may give you a clue hahaha. Food porn is in FULL effect. BBQ ribs, cookies, and brownies - OH MY. Don't mind me just over here dreaming about swimming in a pool of peanut butter.

Real talk though, overall I'm in a good state of mind again. Yes I'm exhausted...pretty much all the time. But I'm still eating some killer food (at least for breakfast). And I'm actually growing somewhat fond of the treadmill (pause for reaction...) But the forgetting stuff is killing me - I walk away from my desk and immediately forget what room my meeting is in. Even though I JUST looked for the 3rd time. Or when we go to Menard's and I ask Evan 5 times, "So what are we here for again?" #prepbrain is real people. REAL.

The biggest surprise this go around though has really been my meals - having grains (oats or cream of rice) so often, the amount of food, and there's been so much protein. Maybe I'm just not remembering the meals right (like I said, prep brain). But I know that last year I had the grains maybe twice because they didn't work well with my body (or in truth, with my head). This year I've NOT had them maybe twice...and my body has been responding really well. And I mean - getting carbs is just awesome.

I think getting out of the mindset that "carbs are evil" has definitely helped. I used to feel guilty eating carbs, even on plan. And I think a lot of girls think that, simply because society says "carbs are bad!" And yes, if you eat a family size pot of pasta by yourself in one sitting chances are you're going to feel like shit. But if I learned anything from last year it's trust the process and trust Chas. Always.

But I have to say - being a figure girl has is "bummer" moments. Like when I see the bikini girls on Instagram eating ice cream, fancy peanut butters, donuts, and waffles all during prep. LEGIT WAFFLES. Not my ground oats and egg white waffles (even though I stand by mine). And day of, backstage, as they're shoving Swedish Fish and jelly covered rice cakes into their mouths while I'm nibbling on my dry oats and asparagus... Lucky I don't poke someone's eye out. It's tough to understand how that actually works when I'm over here eating my 4th meal of fish...

That (rant) being said - that is actually what I think is so cool about this process. The nutrition! The workouts are one thing - and I've taken a stab at some myself even. But I'm constantly wondering, "how did Chas figure out what will work or not work with food?" It baffles me. And I know it works because I see first hand the changes that happen.

So when people say, "One bite won't kill you." I know it won't. But chances are my coach will be able to tell I had a bite and then she'll kill me. Trust Chas. Always.

You Have That Face

(H)Angry
Aloof
Addicted

These, all in their own way, reflect what's going on in my life right now. Yes, the struggle is real.

Hangry is in full effect this week. Not just hangry - but fangry (food angry or the other f-word, either really works). This week alone I've helped set up a candy bar at work, sat through a Chick-Fil-A carry in, and watched as my family devoured a donut. Yes I made this choice, yes I'm now playing the victim - I get the irony, but it doesn't make it easier. Having the end goal is what gets me through not caving. 

Truthfully, I'm good from about 5am till about 2pm. Then I just want something to crunch. Because it doesn't matter how crispy you get your fish, it doesn't have the same crunch like a peanut. Yes...I'm constantly day dreaming about peanut butter.

Aloof: not friendly or forthcoming; cool and distant.

Scotty, came up to me last night and said, "You have that face, the show is near." Now let's explain the face - I'd like to call it determined but it's honestly probably more a stay the hell away from me expression. I'm not typically a victim of RBF but in the final weeks of prep, you truly can't help it. You put the headphones in, crank the dirty rap, and get going. And I find myself wanting to lash out for no rational reason. For example: Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I worked out in public without a shirt on - because, I kid you not, my shirt was pissing me off. My clothes in general were pissing me off but being nude would've probably been frowned upon so I kept the rest on.

But aside from the RBF, there's really not a lot going on in my head other than "you can do this, just get through it". It's a constant battle of wanting to yell and wanting to cry mixed with hysterical laughter because you know you're a little insane at this point. But I swear I won't rip your head off if you want to chat, chatting actually takes my mind off the suck so I welcome it. 

My addition is...gum. I hate gum. Seriously, in my normal life I never chew gum. The proof being how swore my jaw muscles are just from 2 days of chewing it. But it's all I have at this point to curb any cravings. So here I am, gum packets everywhere - my car, my desk, my gym bag, my purse. Every. Where. I'm also addicted to my copper pan, best money ever spent and I have Evan on a strict "do not use" policy (not kidding). I crisp anything and everything in that bad boy just to add a little extra dimension to my 4 meals of fish. It's helped me actually look forward to my afternoon orange roughy...never thought I'd see that happen. Ever.

I think that elegantly sums up my mood for the week. On the horizon is a new meal plan, probably absent what little carb I've been clinging to (I'll be over in the corner crying). But we're almost there - I can almost smell my bag of Oreos...

My Expensive Hobby

When people ask why I do figure competitions I have a go to response, "It's just my expensive hobby. Some people shop, some people buy guns. I do figure competitions." Yes, doing a figure show comes at a cost (a hefty cost). But doing a show isn't just a hobby - it can't be. It has to be a deep rooted love.

That's just the easier answer than trying to explain how I enjoy all the different complexities that come with show prep. The months of prep for 10 minutes on stage, the extra workouts to build certain muscles, the drawn out plans of what to eat and when to eat it. That I enjoy pushing my mind and body, seeing how strong I really can be. Because in the end, they're not looking for my long love story - they just want the cliff note version.

And like any good love story, show prep has it's phases...

In the beginning it's all new and exciting - you live for your meal prep and fresh workouts, seeing those immediate changes. Your meal plans are still fun and not completely full of fish yet (I'm currently at 4 meals with fish). Your calories are still up for your workouts don't feel as draining. It's all fresh and new and..."easy". 

Towards the middle it gets mundane and annoying and you might hit a plateau. It's here that you have to rally and remember why you started - remember your goal, focus on the little things. This part is hard, like really hard. I find myself trying to find a "fix it" - a new food that is prep appropriate, a new trick to help the cravings, blah blah blah. Not to say my chocolate "pudding" from Devotion Nutrition didn't help at least a little... Or the Crystal Light "jello" was totally useless... There are little tricks to help curb cravings. But nothing can truly fix the slump you get in except your perception, your attitude. Grit and bare it and you'll get through - I did.

And after you get through all of that, there's just pure joy and contentment as you walk across the stage and present everything you worked hard for. There's no more worry, there's no more meal planning, there's no more wondering how you're going to make it. Plus, immediately after you get off stage you get to shove 5 Oreo's in your mouth...no? Just me? Well, no love story is really complete without at least a little chocolate...

We're almost to 4 weeks out and I already see real improvements from last year. And I'm seeing changes to my body starting up again. Workouts will shift soon and prep brain will start to really hit (more than it already has). But that's all part of this love story. 

My registration is submitted. Hair, makeup, and tanning appointments all set. I'm beyond ready for it to be here but know there's still a road to go before I'm fully ready for that stage. That finish line is in sight!

It's Okay To Not Be Okay

I've been prepping for 2 months now. Which honestly doesn't sound like a long time (8 weeks, that sounds better) but sometimes it feels like ages have passed - Time seems to pass slower when you're counting down to your next meal. And for the most part I've kept it all together. But this week, I'm struggling. Struggling to keep eating only what I'm supposed to. To do the cardio and extra workouts like I'm supposed to. I'm a toddler who doesn't want to eat her broccoli even though it's good for me so I'm sitting at the table crying...over broccoli.

Now I cry over a lot of stuff - but never broccoli.

And I look back to last year - 6 weeks out - and I was in the same spot. Struggling to see progress. Struggling getting back into the gym for more work. Struggling because I'm exhausted and have momentarily lost my excitement about this journey.

Key word: momentarily.

This journey isn't easy, it's not for the weak hearted. It takes a lot to sit around while others eat delicious La Fiesta and cake. It takes a lot to not eat the free food provided at a work function...all...week...long. It takes a lot not to shove spoonfuls of peanut butter into your face because you're home alone and only the dogs will know.

It's hard but it's not impossible.

Now the leg workouts that Chas programs - those are close to impossible. Seriously. You think CrossFit is hard, let her give you a leg workout. The 2nd day soreness is real.

And so it goes - the highs and lows that come with prep. Being able to look back and see that I was here before but also see that I made it through then, I know I can make it through now. If there's one thing I've learned - It's okay to not always be okay. 

So to close, I apologize if you came my way and left wondering where my normal peppy self was - give it a minute, she'll be back. And thank you for continuing to love me through it all.

I'm Back!

It's been a hot minute since I blogged. I finished my show, started focusing on getting married, and figured people didn't care to read my random thoughts. But since starting prep again - yes I'm doing not one but TWO more figure shows this year! - since starting up again, I realized that blogging wasn't for other people, it was for me.

Getting my thoughts out was therapeutic, especially while doing something most people don't understand. 

So here I am, sitting in my hotel room, drinking my protein shake in bed after workout #2, writing to all of you. And yes, you guessed it, I'm travelling again during prep. woo. I will say that this time it's much easier since I'm not in the "no sodium" phase but I'm still restricted and still surrounded by temptation.

And with these events comes the questions - oh the many many questions. This time it's not just the 'why' either but 'teach me how to do it'. I find myself looking into hopeful eyes - eyes that are waiting for me to say the magic word or give them the special key to losing weight or "getting fit". But there is none. And those same hopeful eyes turn sad being told yet again that it's just hard work and knowing your goal and deciding that  reaching the goal is more important than that cookie on the table.

Then there are those eyes that just find what I'm doing to be...well not stupid but...unnecessary? Maybe that's the word. Regardless - those eyes are the hardest ones. And I found myself in these last 2 days trying to defend my choices, which I shouldn't have to do.

And that's when I realized another key to success - don't do it alone. 

I have a crazy awesome support system - friends and family alike. They don't question my choice but think it's awesome I'm trying. I have a husband who will hide the cookies from me regardless of my threats. A coach who never tires of my questions or complaints. Workout buddies who  have become close friends that encourage me every day.

Desire, hard work, and a crazy awesome support squad. That's the "key" to success.

Oh - and take flexing photos to remind yourself you're awesome. So get ready, because I'm jut getting started!

(Only 6 and  half weeks till show #1, wow.)