New year. New hope.

In 2016, I found myself. In 2017, I struggled with who "my best self" was. There was self doubt and body image issues and my anxiety completely consumed me. I was so afraid of not living up to people's expectations, that I was paralysed. I was constantly worrying about what's happening tomorrow, 2 days from now, next week that I'd miss just enjoying the moment.

Before you blow me off, let me share a little more.

When you wake up in the morning, feeling like P Diddy, I have to give myself a pep talk to get out of the shower some days. Because my shower is safe. It doesn't make my chest tighten. It doesn't make me feel like I'm running a marathon in a pool of pudding. In the shower nothing else matters. 

But unfortunately the hot water eventually turns cold.

What do I want for 2018? To simply enjoy life again. But how do you do that?

When you wake up in the morning and say to yourself, “I am going to enjoy today,” what exactly happens? Your day may start out well - hit up the gym and have some laughs with some great people. But the excitement may dissipate during your drive to work as you start going over your to do list and stress over how you're going to get it all done. 

So instead of choosing a vague phrase as my resolution, I want to find something that can impact my life in unexpected ways. Focus on doing something specific, put action on it and have the people in my life help me complete it. 

For example, help improve my outlook on life by writing 1 thank you note a week for a year. Expand my mind by asking 12 friends for book that changed their life, read one per month, then discuss it with them. Enjoy my time away from work and refill my cup by planning at least 1 fun activity every month. 

Maybe I'll do all of the above? We'll see. For now I know that I need, I deserve, and I want more out of life than what I allowed myself to have in 2017. 

Post Show Re-vamp

This next show is going to be different. Yes, it will be my first time at the Palmer, but that's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is this time I'm giving it my all. I was not 100% headed into the Francois, for many different reasons - and it showed.

I was flat, I was soft, and I was stressed - I was in a place where I didn't feel like myself at all, and that stuff shows when you get on stage. Yes, there were other things that played a part - nerves, food timing, etc. But when I hit that stage I knew my body didn't look as good as it could have - as good as it did just 2 weeks before. And while yes I placed 3rd, it was 3rd out of 5 - I beat an older lady and a girl who seriously couldn't pose. I'm not trying to throw a pity party or looking to be reassured - I'm proud of myself for going through it all. I just didn't enjoy anything about that day...ok that's a lie...I enjoyed my post pre-judging Chipotle. A LOT.

And there were points of growth - my legs and back. So yes it wasn't all negative. But I think that for any competitor, it's hard to get excited about that kind of finish.

But as hard as it was to get through the Francois, it was like a switch just flipped. Because once it was over, I couldn't wait to re-vamp for the Palmer. Being open and honest with my coach was huge. We both knew something went wrong - She could tell I was stressed and she could tell my body had adjusted to the meal plans in a negative way. So we re-evaluated and changed the game plan. My new meal plan has me energized and FULL. Not just a full belly but my muscles are "fuller" too. (It's amazing what a little almond butter can do to a person's life!)

Overall, I just feel better - mind, body, and spirit.

Whatever it was that had me down before the Francois - I'm happy to say it's passed me. Even at work - I'm not just sitting in a negative window all. day. long. Do I wish this could've passed before walking on stage? Of course! But I'm so thankful for all the people who continuously believe in me; my coach, my husband, all my friends and family. For believing in me enough to help pull me out from this hole I found myself sitting in.

Now I'm hungrier than ever to see what I can do at the Palmer. And I'm going at these next 2 weeks with everything I've got!

(mic drop)

Everything and Asparagus

I literally breathe, pee, and sweat asparagus.

This prep - man, it's been rough. I've felt very alone a lot throughout the whole thing. And I know it sounds horrible because I'm surrounded by an awesome support system. But these last like 4 weeks I've just been in a bad state of mind.

Until finally I had to give myself a pep talk. Grow the heck up and get over it - you chose to do this - your life doesn't suck - suck it up and put on a damn smile.

And crazy enough, it worked. Don't get me wrong, I'm still dying for the stage to get here so I can stuff an Oreo in my face and have a celebratory meal - but I'm not unhappy about literally everything.  

I find myself trying to fight for a balance in my life. And I'll be the first to say - it's nearly impossible and completely exhausting. How do you go about balancing work, life, responsibilities, friends and family, AND your goals in the gym? Balance is really the perfect nirvanic state that you think is achievable. But here’s the truth: it’s bullshit. I'm constantly teetering on one side or the other - Never perfectly balanced. That’s not to say that striving for balance (or perfection) isn’t a noble course. But, at some point I have to accept that I’ll never achieve 100% balance and forgive myself for it.

 Remember: energy flows where attention goes.

My attention is on this show. But how do you explain to your boss - "This show is my current priority. I'm going to get my work done but right now, I'm not going to be an over achiever." Or when she's asking you for the third time if everything is ok - "Yes, I'm just trying to figure out how to meet these deadlines. Can we push them out till AFTER June 3rd?" 

It's hard for people to really understand what it's like being a show girl, I get that. So feeling alone is sometimes part of the gig. But this shit is no joke. It takes a lot of time, money, support and, most of all, dedication. It's a fire that has to burn 24 hours a day 7 days a week. We dedicate an insane amount of time to have just 30 seconds onstage showcasing our hard-earned physiques. 30. Seconds. And the minute you let up, the minute you say "just one bite", is the minute you let the flood gates open. And I don't care who you are - it's never just one bite. 

It sounds CRAZY - I know. But I enjoy doing it. It's just sometimes I wish I could do everything, all the time, with the same level of energy.

Ready for the stage - ready for a pancake and an Oreo - ready to not be surrounded in a cloud of asparagus. Only 1 more week!